feel the weight of your mistakes wednesday
2025/october/15nonfiction
today is wednesday, the 15th of october. i'd like to call it feel the weight of your mistakes wednesday. i want to develop better coping mechanisms. i used to write a lot more a decade ago, and well, it's not like anything is stopping me from doing so again.
it is wednesday, and i feel the complete weight of everything i've ever done to sabotage things. nothing in specific, or maybe there is something. but it's undeniable that i've had a history of self-sabotage and running away when things get hard. it doesn't come from a place of malice (although the impact it has had is undeniable) but rather from a misunderstanding of my own emotions and needs.
while i'm not afraid to admit this, i still feel ashamed in saying that it took me until january of 2025 to truly work on myself and my emotions. i went to therapy. going on about life for over two decades in the way i was... that decision has been a wake-up call. i never realized how dysregulated i was and how unaware i could be of how i was affecting the people around me. i've been unlearning and relearning how to navigate myself and how i feel.
i've ended up losing a connection i held ever so dear to me. i held on so tight and gripped it with the force of two decades' worth of anxiety, insecurity, and fear. saying the quiet part out loud is terrifying to me, but i guess that's the first step to acceptance and moving on. while not the sole reason of why it failed, i had played a huge part in it.
i'm filled with regret, which drove me to start this blog, alongside the longstanding curiosity and searching i have held for something akin to my old blogspot account. so i'm here now.
i have to go to bed soon, as i need to be up in eight hours. i owe it to myself to get myself at least seven. i haven't slept over five hours a night in almost two weeks, save for the weekends where i pass out from genuine exhaustion.
i am filled with regret, and i am filled with sadness. the only break i have been able to receive from it is through sleep. i don't really know if i deserve a break from it, considering the things i've done and the individual i've hurt, but all i have at the end of the day is myself. i have to give myself that kindness.